I can’t explain the pain I feel.

When they say your heart’s been ripped out of your chest

You never really understand what it feels like until it happens.

Although it may not be physical, it’s real.

It’s like the inside of your body is burning dirty coal

Your nails are knives along your clenched palm

Your mouth is pried open with no words coming out

Your fists in your hair, your head in your knees.

How does one go through months of believing something

Just to come to realize that it is all a lie.

A lie told to make you happy, which ultimately ruins your very happiness.

How does one hear the voice of someone they once loved

And deal with the sound of distance, not physically but emotionally.

How does one bear to sleep at night when all that plays

Is the sound of their laugh and the sound of their last goodbye.

How does one survive the ripping out of their own heart.

How do I survive what you have done to me.


Dear Asshole

Dear Asshole:

Right now is not the first time I sit here

My leg shaking, my heart pounding, my jaw clenched.

Right now is not the first time I feel like there’s a dagger in my back

The kind where if you were to pull it out it would cut me further.

Right now is not the first time I feel like crying in a public area.

Right now is not the first time you’ve hurt me.

The past year all I’ve wanted was for you to be happy,

and sure that’s what you wanted for me.

What I don’t think you realize is that you gave me the opposite.

You gave me depression and anxiety, you landed me on a psychiatrist chair.

I blamed it on other things like school and family,

But when I look back on it I was covering for you.

I was covering for the mind games I convinced myself I was playing.

I was covering for the darkness that I constantly lived in.

Cause you caused me to believe that the only light there was,

Was with you.

And now I’m back to darkness because now you’re gone.

And you don’t care. You turned out the light.

You left me in the dark constantly without a care.

Coming back when it was convenient for you.

When I asked for help you labelled me as selfish. Greedy.

You made me believe you were my perfect past, present and future.

You made me believe that this is what love was.

You made me believe that with love came hurt, but that was okay.

You made me believe that you were the only guy for me.

But you aren’t and you never have been.

Faith can not hold us together, only we can do that.

And unless you want to change things to where they were a year ago today,

I will forever remember our love as the toxic blindfold

I wore every time your name came up on my phone.

Every time your lips touched mine.

Every time you told me everything would work out.

So Dear Asshole,

I’m taking that blindfold off.

I’m moving on.

I’m no longer a part of you.


Your rag doll.

Dear Guys (Single Stage)

Dear Guys,

There are some things I would like to tell you. Not bro to bro, this is real shit, this is real life shit that you need to know. Kind of. I suppose you could live without what I’m about to tell you, but according to numerous guys who have come to me with these issues, apparently you can’t. There are a few different things I’ll go into depth about but lets go in chronological order. Or probably not, cause my mind doesn’t run as efficiently as I would like it to.

  1. When hitting on a girl, forcing yourself onto her will never work. And if it works once, don’t expect it to work every other time. Fun story: This one time, my friend and I were at a party and this guy who was unbelievably drunk (let’s call him Buck, he looked like a Buck, and was acting like one too- change one letter.) kept making his rounds around the party. It all started in the kitchen when my friend and I were pouring ourselves a drink and he came up to us to introduce himself. He gave us big bear hugs and started putting his arms around us. He was the touchy kind and I was not comfortable, so I escaped and made it to the other side of the party. Well, he found me again. Now, one thing about me is that I’m way too nice to people. I don’t like to hurt peoples feelings or make situations uncomfortable, so I try to stay away from those situations. But this guy was just not giving up. And it wasn’t just me. Buck went to every girl on his journey and got up in their personal bubble. He kept doing more shots and getting increasingly drunk… another red flag. His friends tried to steer him away from the girls, but he was adamant. He was sure that by pushing himself onto these girls he would end up going into the bedroom with one of them. I do not understand the mindset of people like this because it’s doing the complete opposite of what you’re trying to achieve. Long story short, he ended up passing out downstairs with his ass crack in the air and ego in hell, and with several girls deeply disturbed by his persistence. Guys, don’t do this! Don’t get aggressively drunk! You’re more likely to get with a girl by being able to healthily put your words into structured sentences. If you want to get drunk, that’s fine, you do you, but don’t get belligerently drunk. Control yourself. It ain’t cute.
  2. This is more directed to those who want to approach a girl. Not necessarily at a party, but over all. I have one friend who is very good looking and a complete sweetheart, but he has close to no confidence and it really restrains him from getting with girls. If this guy had a little more confidence, he would be winning with the girls, but that’s just not who he is. I really respect this guy and when he’s come to me asking for some advice I do my best to help him out. The number one thing is to be confident but it’s hard to learn how to be confident if you aren’t really born with it. It takes time, a lot of anxiety and stepping out of your comfort zone. Usually the number 1 thing that keeps a guy from approaching a girl is the fear of getting turned down. What I say to that is 1) Respect her choice. Don’t turn on her and say crap like “Yeah you’re ugly anyway” “whatever, you sound stupid” or any of those other ego defence mechanisms. You talked to her for a reason, don’t be a complete ass and magically change your opinion when you get shut down. It’s not cool. 2) If she doesn’t want to give you a chance, don’t let that get to you. She’s not worth being upset about. 3) Try to become her friend first and get to know her better. Sometimes this allows for more leeway to her getting to know who you are and finding more of an interest in you. But still, if she’s not interested in you, she’s just not interested in you! Remember how many people are in the world. They’re either a lesson or a blessing, and take it for what it is and move on. She’s not the only girl in the world.
  3. Refer back to my Friendzone posts if you want to know more in depth about my views on this topic. The friendzone sucks, yes. I know. It really does. But it’s not the end of the world! Friendships can last a life time, relationships don’t always, so be grateful for what you have and don’t waste time mopping about what you don’t have.
  4. I don’t understand what persuades a guy to do this, and I’ve referred to it before in another post, I’m sure of it.. I don’t know which one though, but if you sleep with a girl do not and I mean under no circumstance talk shit about her afterwards. Sex is an insanely vulnerable and intimate thing and I don’t care if her vagina was massive (fun fact: the vagina is actually a muscle that does not “loosen” the more you have sex. You are born with what you’re born with. If you want to  know more about this and see for yourself that I’m not lying, heres a link: Facts, bro. Facts. ) I don’t care if she was strange in bed. Maybe she doesn’t know better than what she’s doing cause she doesn’t have the experience, or that’s just the kind of sex she’s used to. Most likely she’s not intentionally being freaky or whatever, so don’t completely abolish the rest of her sex life by telling everyone about it.
  5. If you had a good time with a girl and you get her number, if you say you’re going to call her back, actually call her back. If she doesn’t answer your calls and texts within a few days, get the message, she just isn’t into you. Don’t force yourself onto her, just like #1, it hardly ever works. If you’re not interested in meeting up with her again and she won’t leave you alone, tell her straight up that you’re not interested. The worst thing is to lead a girl on. Be straight up, be nice and be honest about it. Just don’t be a dick, basically. I know you have the ability!

I’m just going to do 5 for today for the Pre Relationship stages. I’m going to work on a Dear Guys, Relationships post and if anyone comes to me with more ideas for this one, I’d be more than happy to write a second post on the pre relationship topic.


So, change of plans, as some of you may know. I originally was supposed to live in Paris for 3 months then travel around europe for another 3 months, but since the attacks my parents have unfortunately decided to cancel my plans. Choosing another destination was hard but I’ve come to the final conclusion, only 4 weeks before my leaving date, that I will be enduring the 22 hour plane ride from hell to the land of beaches and things that will kill me. I’m going to Australia.

I never realized how small the world really is until I was staring at a map and crossed off 90% of the world due to the level of safety it didn’t have. This may be a little crazy and some people may say I’m blowing it out of proportion, but I don’t want to risk dying at the hands of terrorism, so why not die at in the hands of 2 inch spiders and venomous snakes?! That’s always fun. I have always had Australia in my back pocket as somewhere I wanted to go, but for my trip I wanted to learn as much as I could about History and art. Well, now I’m going to learn how to surf and how to not let the australian accent phase my perception of beauty.

I’m in the current process of finding an Au Pair family, which is harder than you would think. I have 4-5 weeks until I’m expecting to leave and I still have no idea where I’m going. I just know I’m going to Australia. The process of finding an Au Pair family consists of making a profile on aupairworld.com (or one of the many other au pair websites), and then spending countless hours messaging families, hoping that one will like you enough to put in time to skype you 5 times to make sure you’re not a serial killer. With the time change in Australia, that process takes a lot longer than it should, so I honestly don’t know how I’m going to find a family on time. I’ll go and live among the kangaroos.

I’ve got a few ideas of things to write about which have a little bit more depth to them, but I haven’t had the time to really write anything. I hope everyone is having a good end of November. Only a few weeks until Christmas!



Recently someone I know posted a status which touched on the topic of Instagram modelling and how apparently all the girls he knows are now models. Probably referring to me in a degree as well as a bunch of other girls we are mutual friends with, I had to take a step back and look at what he’s talking about, and this is my response.

I started modelling when I was 12 years old. The first thing I did for L’Oreal Professional was a photoshoot for the Contessa’s. I had never done modelling at that point but was pulled out of camp for 2 days to do this shoot. From that point until I was 16 I did modelling frequently for L’Oreal Professional. I met a lot of girls in the industry and learned my best angles. When I got to 16 I realized I wasn’t growing any taller and had to back out because I wasn’t eligible to do runway… (they were also cutting and colouring my hair and I was really not interested in doing that anymore) But I still loved being in front of the camera and working with other artists.

39280_1604104951394_2336651_n.jpg62925_1604104711388_7027426_n.jpg (I had such a baby face, super embarrassing)

I started “modelling” for Instagram about a year ago. I got a message from Jeff Isy one day asking if I would like to do a shoot later that day. Knowing that this would be an awesome experience I took the offer and met him downtown. This was my chance to get back in front of the camera, so I decided why not? I instantly fell in love with it. Through working with Jeff I got a lot of opportunities to work with other photographers. I had a lot of messages from photographers I had been following for a long time looking to work with me. Through this process I met so many people and got to explore new parts of Toronto I had never been to. There was so much more to modelling than the cool photos I got afterwards, and that’s what made me fall in love with it.

When this guy posted about how it seems that everyone is a model now a days, it really felt discouraging. If anything, if a girl is comfortable enough with her body to be photographed, we should celebrate that and encourage girls to be happy with their looks. If someone wants to go out and take some fun photos I think we should promote that instead of tearing them down cause everyone else is doing it.

I’m sure there are many other aspects to this topic to touch on and I would love to hear from other girls who have felt discouraged for doing photoshoots.. I just wanted to make a quick little acknowledgement of this, even though I’m so not in the mood to write right now. I need some serious sleeeeeeeeep.

First Dates

Quite honestly, I haven’t been on many first dates. I don’t really think I ever went on an official first date until I was in a year long relationship and went out to dinner. Of course there were the movie dates I painfully endured in high school, but nothing compares to a first date with someone… nothing compares to a first date with someone you don’t even know.

Recently, due to my nonstop complaining about the state of my psyche and the emotional rollercoasters I go through dealing with my year long relationship issues (that I make up in my mind because there are no issues, I’m just a delusional little fcker), my friend told me to shut up and get tinder. NOW, BEFORE YOU JUDGE, LISTEN. I have never been a fan of tinder. I always thought it was stupid and awkward and weird and never wanted to touch it. I got it in high school cause it was the thing to do but I never actually used it to meet up with people. This time I followed my nagging friends orders and downloaded the dreadful app, filled up the last bit of space on my phone and began to swipe left. And left. And left. And left. Aaaaaaand left. What has happened to all the guys in Toronto and why is the first guy I got a 65 year old named Allan. Overall, it didn’t seem like I was getting lucky in making any new friends. I left the book cover judger alone for the next few days than went back to it when, yet again, my friend got on my case. This time I had a little more luck and decided to be a little less judgemental and a little more free spirited.

Now. Let me just put this into perspective as to why I hate tinder so much: 1) it’s literally just judging people completely on their looks. 2) it’s awkward. 3) if you actually get into a relationship with someone you met on tinder you’re going to have to relive the fact that you met on tinder. 4) I have way too much anxiety for this shit. I can hardly follow through with my plans to meet up with my friends, how in burning hell do you expect me to meet up with a stranger who judged me completely on my looks and a bio with 240 character or less and is expecting to get into my pants 20 minutes into coffee and chill? heeeeellllll noooooo. But apparently, I was feeling spontaneous last thursday.

I don’t know where my anxiety was, I suspect in deep hibernation (I don’t know if that’s a good or bad thing) but around 1am I was talking to this guy and we agreed to have coffee. Due to the fact that he lived decently downtown, we decided to meet halfway. Okay, that’s cool, not down for a trek for a tinder meet up.. that seems kinda desperate, no? We met for coffee and these are the things I learned about first dates with someone you’ve never met before. So this is helpful for blind dates and tinder dates and any other crazy meet ups our crazy generation goes on. Christian Mingle? I don’t know.

  1. Never wear heels to a first date if you don’t know how tall they are.

That’s about it. Other than that, just be friendly and if it’s going terribly always have that one close friend who will gladly call you crying about something in which you have to leave for. I have a few friends on speed dial for these instances.

Quite honestly I don’t know what else to write because I haven’t been on many first dates. Some little points of advice though is 1) Don’t ever feel like you’re obligated to go on a second date, or even a first date for that matter. 2) You don’t have to have sex with them on the first date, but you do you. 3) Always meet in a social environment, this helps with minimizing awkwardness and the likeliness of you getting raped. Solid reasons. Actually, always meet strangers in public areas. I feel like that should just be common sense… 4) Have fun.

If there is one thing i can suggest, its take that mother fucker out to a dope ass expensive steakhouse, get ur ass some lean motherfucking steak, then eat that shit in his face, fucking devour it. Then make that fuckboi pay cause ur a mother fucking boss. Who the fuck needs him. 

(That was not me… but I thought it was too golden to delete. Thank you to my anonymous accomplice. (you can request for more posts from the Anonymous Accomplice in the comments. By the way. Just saying. My friends are geniuses.)) and sexy

To end it the way I prefer, not provocatively or aggressively, I just want to say that first dates can either go really right or really wrong, but either way always go into them with a positive attitude and be friendly! You don’t know what will come out of it… Either a really bad awkward few hours or a life long friend or maybe even more than that. You never know! Take chances and enjoy your young years. I’ll be posting a more in depth version when I don’t have a friend waiting on me (the Anonymous Accomplice).

Have a good night!

One Day Further

As time moves on faces start to get blurry

The sound of their voice starts to fade from memory

And the feeling of their fingers laced in yours is no longer lingering

You start to forget what it was like to stay up all night for them

Sleep becomes your escape from the constant nagging voice in your head

It was all your fault.

The hours spent with your mind in a silent room

Though nothing is quiet inside

Everywhere you turn something catches your eye

Where he stood, where he slept, where he sat

A constant reminder that he is no longer there

The song playing in the background digs up buried times

A snowy field, a rooftop, a country road, a skyline out the window

The band on my forth gets heavy, a year of wear

I call to say hello but your mind is elsewhere

That’s all it seems to be, anywhere but here

I wish I could be anywhere but here

But here I am and there you are

I never thought it would get this hard

But it has and your shirts no longer smell like you

My room has been wiped cleaned of your fingerprints

My fingers scrubbed raw, not a cell of mine has touched yours

I move on to a new day, a day further away from the last time I saw you

But maybe it’s best because now I’m one day closer

To being free from your grasp and hold

One day closer to being sewn back together

Or one day closer to what we always talked about

And one day closer to being happy

The wounds will heal and all will be better

As the days go on and you become a part of my life

That I’ll always remember but not tear myself up for

Because it was not my fault

It was time

It was distance

It was us

Right now.

a waste of time

I just got messaged by a girl on Facebook asking to have a talk with me. When I asked what the subject was about she said that it was about people from my middle school and high school saying bad things about me and my blog.

A year ago I would’ve been right on top of it and eager to find out what these people had to say about me, but today I decided, no. Why put myself in that situation? Isn’t it kind of like putting your hand on a hot stove? You know it’s hot and you know it’s going to hurt, and it’s going to hurt for the next few days and could possibly leave scars. So why do that to myself? Why have I done this to myself in the past? Why do girls do this to themselves all the time? What is there about knowing what all the horrible things people are saying about you? Why fish for the details when all you know you’re going to come up with is something that is going to hurt you?

A year ago I would’ve loved to hear these things and find out who was saying them so I could confront them. I said no because these people don’t need confrontation. They don’t need the satisfaction of knowing that they have gotten under my skin and have bothered me. I don’t need to give them a time of day, because I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life.

I’ve been trying to figure out why I was so miserable all the time and why I always overanalyzed things. I always wanted to make sure everyone liked me and no one had an issue with me. But what I began to realize in grade 12 is that those things aren’t important. The people who are important in your life are the people who lift you up, not drag you down. The people who are saying bad things about me and my blog are people who are wasting their time. Why? Because I really, really do not care. Obviously, if I am offending anyone, I would like whoever it is to message me so I can fix my wrongs; but this blog is not a blog to please anybody. I did not start this blog to get followers, to get praise or to get complimented. I started this blog for a number of reasons. 1) A gap year is something I think more people need to think about and I wanted to document my gap year so that others can see what it’ll be like. Obviously nothing too exciting is happening right now but as of January, that will change. 2) A lot of the things I’ve been through are things I wish I could’ve prepared better for. Not by talking to a shrink, not by talking to my parents, not by talking to a guidance counsellor, but hearing it from someone closer to my own age. I needed to hear some of these things when I was younger and I want people who are younger, or older, or the same age, who are going through these things to be able to read what I write about and know how to deal with it or that they’re not alone. 3) I love to write. It helps me calm down and express what has been bothering me. It’s my way of letting go and keeping focused.

One of my very first blog posts called Trying To Ease The Inevitable was something I wrote in hopes of lessening the chances of negativity around this blog and the things that I write. Obviously I can not get rid of the need and want of gossip and slander thrown at something so public. Society thrives on it. If it didnt, we wouldnt have US Weekly and PEOPLE. There’s a whole industry focused on picking the bad things out of miniscule aspects of other peoples lives. So, no. I can not stop people from saying bad things about me. No, I can not stop people from bashing my blog or calling me an attention whore or whatever creative labels people have put effort into creating for me, but I can close the door on my interest in hearing about these things because my mind is already dealing with a lot of things and negativity from other peoples personal judgements is not something that I need to add to it.

Last but not least, I have to ask, and I do plan on writing a full post focused on this, but why… why… do you waste your time talking shit about others? It’s not worth your time, my time, the person you’re tellings time. It took me soooo long to understand this.. Grow up, move on, if you got nothing nice to say, don’t say it. Simple as that. And if you’re on the receiving end of the hate, there’s this thing my mom always tells me: Your life is a garden. You must get rid of the weeds in order to give room for the flowers to grow. The negative people in your life are weeds. The flowers are the good people in your life. Don’t water the weeds, don’t give them a time of day. Remove them from your life and focus on the good. #philosophical.

That’s all I wanted to say. Happy weeding ;)

It dissapeared

K I don’t know what it is with me and wordpress but what i want to post either posts early or doesn’t post at all and disappears. I wrote this really long thing the other day and I can’t find it now and now I’m starting to think that I just dreamed it up? I’ve been having really really vivid dreams lately so maybe I dreamed up the fact that I wrote this post? If not, I’m really pissed cause I put a lot of time into that post and thought it was really good…



Youtube Videos- Thought blurb.

Hi to anyone who actually reads this,

When I move in January I 100% am going to capture every part of my journey in pictures and mostly in videos, but I think I might want to start making youtube videos. Not really to gain a following but to show first hand what it will be like on my travels. Also maybe to make makeup videos or rant videos or whenever I write something on my blog I’ll make a video as well so that for those who aren’t the reading type they can just watch the video instead? I’m not sure… it’s kind of been an idea of mine which has been floating around in my head for a few months… years actually, but I haven’t really pushed myself to do it, but maybe I will since I have the perfect thing to document now.

Just thought I should put that out there… just kind of a personal thought blurb.