Music For The Senses

The streets curved sharply through thick trees, so dense you could barely see the night sky. 18.. 20… The car curved into the narrow driveway, questioning its liveliness… Soon after, the cars headlights fell among bare knees and colourful socks.. One girl had short blonde hair tied up in two pigtails, accessorized with colourful scrunchies on each tail. She fell out of the car light as the car drove up the driveway looking for parking. The music started. Loud music started. You would think turning off the engine of a 2003 Forrester would cause the stress to my ear drums to lessen up a little, but the band just seemed to grow louder. A crowd started shuffling into the battered up fraternity, the Omega hanging out of the window, and plastic Halloween skeletons hanging off the poles with Hawaiian lei around their necks… A clown head hung from the roof, a foot hanging out of his forehead, and the two people on the couch beside me had decided that privacy didn’t matter to them. As the crowd shuffled through the doors, I was able to safely make my way to a hole in the wall. As I stepped up to the houses landing floor, I looked up to dusty yellow eyes of a taxidermied house cat staring back at me, slowly losing its hair to time spent most likely being sent through the air throughout a crowd. I peered into the room to my left to allow my visuals to match my ears. 

There was a line of little pink light bulbs strung across the far window, in front of them was a 3 person band, furiously taking on the instrument before them, the lead vocalist seeming to be giving the mic hell. As the first song came to an end, the drummer started a new beat and the dynamic of the room changed. Suddenly everyone was bumping into each other… no, forcefully throwing themselves into others, intentionally throwing clenched fists into the nearest body, and jumping. The floor shook under the weight of the masses in front of me, the crowd continued to bash bodies and shake the house, the band putting their soul into the amps sitting on the floor to my left. Through the crowd I could see a girl who seemed smaller than me, somehow staying alive among the large men surrounding her. Her blonde hair bobbed up and down with the music and I worried she would soon be swallowed by the beast. I looked up to see my friend looking back at me with an excited but confused look, laughing at the scene before us as it managed to grow louder.

I started to wonder what the driving force behind the madness was in front of me. Was it the pure adrenaline of having all your senses stimulated in the most intense way possible, or was it the drugs and alcohol which surged through a majority of the crowds veins? I zoned into specific people in the crowd, some of which I knew, but most complete strangers. This seemed to be fun to them, yet they look as though they are being hurt. 

I felt the vibration of the wall I had my back firmly pressed against run through my body, the thick mixture of sweat and CO2 making it hard to breathe. My eyes continued to analyze the room and try to figure out the reason to the madness, but I was left still confused and slightly dizzy from the lack of fresh air. As the 3rd song came to an end, people seemed to start filing back out into the yard, wiping sweat from their foreheads with sweat drenched t-shirts. I looked at my phone to see that it was nearly 2am, surprised by the fact that the loud music hadn’t drawn any police to the scene. Soon we were headed back to our cars, on the way back home from a night of standing around awkwardly, talking to people I hardly know, and feeling strangely out of place. I looked back at the slowly crippling frat house before me and started walking the long gravel path back to the car when another set of music started again. More yelling and aggression poured out of the windows, not fading with the distance I was making with two friends beside me.

I have never experienced ‘moshing’ ever before to the extent in which I saw that night, and while I still wonder the reason behind such a heinous act, I’ve tried to come to understand. From my outsider perspective, it is a way of connecting with the music, far more physically than bobbing your head to the tempo, and it allows those who are involved to have that full body experience. While it can be very dangerous, it activates all the senses and the people involved don’t even really mind being so immersed. I can’t speak for the masses as I have never been in the middle of a mosh pit before, but I can imagine just how much adrenaline it must release, and for that I figure is the reason people do it.

(Written on July 22nd 2016)

The Silver Blocks- Photos by Krushit Vanzara

This week has been a busy one, starting with 3 days solid working out at the gym and eating properly (an accomplishment..?), as well as filling up my schedule with photoshoots and job interviews. Well, today I got all the pictures from my first shoot with Krushit Vanzara (@krushitvanzara) and I got a job!

The photos you are looking for are on my photos page, but you can just click on this: PHOTOS and it will take you right to it!

Here On Out

It’s been nearly a month since I have written, and really it feels so much longer than that. I’ve been dealing with a lot lately on top of slowly settling down into the realization that I am no longer in Australia, but I am in wonderfully boring Toronto. I’ve tried to come into living here again with the most positive outlook possible, but I can’t help but think about all the more beautiful places there are out there.

The turnover date for changing things in my life was August 5th when I got on an airplane back home from Boston, Massachusetts, saying goodbye to my long distance relationship for good. I don’t know the next time I am going to see him again, but we decided that this time was officially our time to dedicate to ourselves, and so it begins.

Yesterday it began with two job interviews, today it began with signing up for the local YMCA and setting myself a schedule to actually start working out, and treating my body right. I’ve recently began really hating the way I feel every day – waking up still feeling tired, not knowing if I’m hungry but then feeling very nauseas throughout the day, and overall feeling like I’ve got a cloud over my head. As well, I’ve really hated how my body has began looking. I’ve always been a kid with chubby cheeks and a big butt, but I’ve always kept my weight at a good place, fixing it when I was over weight, and never really having to deal with any possibility with being underweight (I love food too much). But right now, I’m heavier than I ever have been before, and I’m motivated to change it, and hopefully it will help with my mental health along the way.

My year isn’t over, and it never really will be over, because the journey never ends. I won’t be going to school as of September, and there is a faint chance I’ll join any institution in January 2017. I really have my sights set on surpassing that and going straight for what I really want to do. Getting into the grind of waking up every morning and being productive, compared to sitting on my phone and computer, aimlessly scrolling through facebook and instagram. This is my year, and I’m not going to let myself waste it.

I’m really my own worst enemy when it comes to this stuff. My mind takes the better of my body and there I am, not accomplishing anything, and refreshing the Dogspotting page on Facebook. Doing these things will not help my future in any way (but the doggos do cheer me up and brighten my day) so I’ve decided I need to scrap them. The first way I did this? Deleting my snapchat. And yes, I’ll probably end up re-downloading it at some point, but I’ve really come to realize how much time I have wasted watching other peoples 5 minute long stories about crap I really don’t care about. I was also letting it interfere with my life and I felt as though I had an obligation to whoever followed me on snapchat to let them know everything I was doing all day, which really got in the way of really enjoying the moments for what they were.

So here I am, starting the second half of this gap year on a note of self development in Toronto. As much as I don’t want to be here and I want to be in different cities, exploring the world, it’s what’s best for me right now, and will only enable me to travel further in the future.

This World Has Gone Mad

Before the internet, a typical person would receive their news via newspaper or television, and they would be fed the negative news for the past few days, and be on with their life.. but now a days, with every corner of our lives being filled with news through social media, we’ve become swarmed by the negativity constantly.

It seems to be that every day something new has happened… Another young black man has been shot, a cop has been murdered, Trump says something futile, there’s been another terrorist attack, or another animal is going instinct. Every day we’re inundated with these horrible things going on all around the world. We see the gory videos and the threats to our wellbeing, you can only wonder what that’s doing to our overall outlook on our everyday lives.

I got to the point the other day where I was tempted to delete my Facebook because of how much negativity was plastered all over it. Bernie officially endorsed Hillary, 5 cops were shot out of hate, and more black men have been senselessly killed. The list is long in the way of how many things are going wrong all over the world, and I don’t see it getting any better any time soon.

I’ve stayed away from writing anything in regards to politics or the Black Lives Matter movement because I honestly do not consider myself nearly educated enough to voice a factually correct point of view. I’m worried of stepping on the sensitive toes out there and making myself look like an idiot, even though I have done a fair share of reading on the matter. My views which I store within my brain are some that I feel weary to share, due to the fact that there is so much room for error, and being a young white girl, I really don’t want to involve myself in other people’s issues if I can not give a fully cultivated response to.

My basic thoughts on the matter though is this: No one should die for the colour of their skin. No officers should’ve died because of the occupation they decided to pursue. No man should be treated differently because the agenda in your mind is that the white race still holds supremacy to people of colour. NO ONE, no matter your colour, age, gender, or status, should feel unsafe in their day to day. Fear is no way to live a life.

My two cents on the matter is this though:

Just because you have a phone in front of your face recording your run in with the cops does NOT MEAN you are above the law. If that officer asks you to get your hands up, or to lay on the ground, you do it. The place to fight that officer with your knowledge of the law (unless they are going against it) is in court. Your duty when you are pulled over is to obey the officer’s orders and not resist arrest. (DISCLAIMER: I have watched videos of black men being forcefully detained without any reason.. this is simply disgusting and a power trip on the officer’s part. BUT I have also watched many videos where if the person had willfully listened to the officers commands, they would possibly still be alive today.)

Know your laws and your rights, but don’t abuse them.  A lot of people seem to think that because the first amendment says you can say whatever you want, that means that saying “FUCK YOU” to a cops face is a fine thing to do.. but I can assure you right now, swearing and yelling at a cop is going to get you in a stickier situation than you were in before.. Cops are human beings, and many of them thrive on power (DISCLAIMER: not all cops) and will not like you any more if you decide to cuss up a storm at them. The best thing to do is to try to make the crappy situation you are already in, less crappy. Cooperate. Listen. Ask questions. Do whatever it takes to stay alive.

In the way of other issues going on in the world, there are many… The next President of the United States could be a reality TV star with a bad hairdo… People are dying from playing Pokemon Go and not looking where they’re walking… The glaciers are melting, the bees are going extinct, there’s a whole colony of people being raised to think that their religion is telling them to kill us, dogs apparently get anxiety when you hug them, Kylie Jenner makes more every day doing.. nothing.. while every day people bust their butts to make a 10th of her earnings, yearly. The world has become this insane soap opera and none of us seem to know if we’re going to come out of it alive.

The world seems to be going to hell in a handbasket, and a lot of the time I’ve started to feel hopeless.. Is this the world that I will one day be leaving my children, or will it be better or worse. We are the generation to create a better world to believe in. It all starts with us. Let’s do something about it.

 

 

 

 

I Just Don’t Know.

I’ve always been very indecisive. I would find interest in something then quickly get distracted with an activity more inviting. I would found myself unable to follow through with basic tasks and lose enthusiasm very quickly… I struggled greatly in school due to this as well as in the way of picking up new hobbies.

I find it frustrating, dealing with a multiple track mind, and have found it especially difficult when coming to terms with keeping up with a blog. I’ve always wanted to start a youtube channel, but I would never keep up with filming videos, editing them, then posting them. Watching other people follow through with their passions and hobbies makes me jealous because I have yet to follow through with any hobby of mine to a large degree…

I can say that going to Australia was something that I followed through with, but the length of stay was not. The reasons though for staying for 6 months rather than a year was due to many issues I was enduring living on my own and supporting myself financially. It got to the point where I was frustrated with my living situation, as well as coming to the point where I found I needed a break.. and when you find you need a break from the break you’re currently on, across the world, in Australia.. that’s when you know it’s time to go home.

Currently I’m sitting in bed at my cottage, overlooking a lake which hasn’t changed in the 19 years I’ve been looking at it, grateful for the choice I made to come home, but still questioning how things would have turned out if I had tackled Australia in a different way.. If I had saved better, obtained a job earlier, branched out more, and handled my day to day with more purpose. I have constant questions of how my trip could’ve turned out differently or better if I had followed through with the goals I had set. But I can not regret my time in Australia because I can never go back and change it.. all I can do is learn from it and put those things in action the next time I take a leap of faith and move across the world.

As I sit here, I’m trying to figure out what I want to do.. My gap year is basically officially done, but I still feel like I haven’t accomplished anything close to what I was planning on accomplishing. All I know is that staying in Sydney would not have been the right choice for me, and I needed to come home.. but now I’m stuck here itching to go back out travelling. So what am I going to do? Well, from where I am now, all I plan on doing is working as hard as I can to earn money, save money, and spend money on things that only really matter to me, like travelling. I really want to go out east to study yoga and meditation, to hopefully bring my crazy mind to a more controlled wavelength, and I really want to start working towards a career. I don’t have any commitments..  My whole life I’ve had the commitment of school creeping up on me each summer, but this summer is different because I have nothing planned once it ends. The only thing I’m committed to in the world is waking up each day, and being a good human being. Other than that, I don’t have anything else worth a worry. Except my future. And debt.

So here we have it, an indecisive girl, with hardly any motivation to get out of bed in the morning, looking to find her silver lining on a vacation cut short miles away from home, hoping to do something interesting with her life, because quite honestly, I’m getting fairly bored. This year for me didn’t turn out the way I thought it would, but it has definitely kickstarted the multiple years ahead of me.

Yes, I’m back!

When it comes to keeping up with consistency, I’m absolutely horrible at doing it. I’ve always been the kind of person who gets really excited to do something then completely ends up not following through. It’s one of those nasty habits that I wish I could get to go away, but obviously, my blog as proof, I have a lot of work to do.

I haven’t been writing the past month because I’ve been majorly busy- some days I wouldn’t pick up my computer once, and it would go on like that for a week at a time. But the biggest thing is the fact that I literally have no idea what to write about, and have been experiencing major writers block. I told myself that I would write on the 22 hour plane ride home, yet I didn’t end up doing it, and instead ended up trying not to kill the two elderly people sitting beside me with my hellish cold.

IMG_5818So yes! I am back in Toronto. and Yes! I plan on travelling again at the end of the summer; depending on if I’m able to land a job this summer that would make me enough money to travel back down under that is… But I’m starting to think of some other places I want to travel to, things I want to focus on, things I want to experience. But that’s for another post. Right now I’d prefer to talk about why I’m back, because that seems to be of interest to many who are thoroughly confused as to why I’m home half a year before I originally said I would.

Well? Simply putting it.. being an adult is hard. Paying bills and buying food is kind of a shocker when you have no financial support except whatever you’re able to conjure up within the week. Dealing with land lords who seem nice at first then end up being complete a-holes later is something I didn’t want to stress myself over. It was starting to get a lot colder in Sydney than it was in Toronto, and simply, I just really missed my dogs (and yes my family and friends too..) I needed to give myself a psychological break, and when it gets to that point when you’re already technically on a break.. a massive break across the world… that was a sign that I needed to come home and refresh.

So what am I doing this summer? I have absolutely no clue. I got home on the 15th and my long distance boyfriend flew in to Toronto on the 17th. He’s here IMG_5859until the end of the month, then I’ve got some time to myself, then I’m driving out to Massechussetts mid July. Once I get back from Mass, I’ll be getting a job and working ridiculously hard in order to fly myself back out of here. All I want to do this summer is rediscover Toronto in a different light and one that I’m happy to be in. I don’t want to leave Toronto with the same angst as I did last time, and I want to give myself more of a solid reason to come back.

I’m going to try to write more often because I do enjoy it.. I just need to find more time to dedicate to writing quality things. I’ve written so many drafts and have never posted them because I’m so blocked.. but it’s all a process; hopefully I’ll just start getting better at it.

 

Update

Wow, 17 days ago I wrote my last post and I can’t begin to explain how many things have changed within the past two weeks. In the past 2 weeks, I’ve landed a waitressing job, I’ve broken things off with a very attractive Australian guy because the heart is a weird thing, I’ve said goodbye to some of my Aussie friends who have gone travelling across the world, and I’ve become more homesick than ever.

So, to start off, the job. I got a job at a restaurant called Contrabando, which is in the business district of the city, and has many business men and women coming through. It’s ridiculously busy and I can’t feel my feet- well, I wish I couldn’t cause they really freakin hurt- by the end of the night. It’s fun and always moving, but I can’t help but think about the people making double the amount of me doing half the world I do. But, it is as it is, and you do what you can to pay the bills.

The second thing is something a little more complicated and heartbreaking. So, two months ago I met this guy and we became close friends, adventuring places together and spending 48 hours straight, just enjoying each other’s company. I started getting strong feelings for him, as he did with me, and things started changing. Now, if any of you know anything about me at all, you know hat I’ve been in a long distance relationship for now 2 years.. To clear things up, my LDR and I broke things officially off when I moved to Australia because we see this time as a time for us to grow individually.. The only problem is that we both are still in love with each other and are just dealing with being apart. So when I started spending more time with this new guy from Australia, things got complicated, but we didn’t talk about it because it wasn’t something to discuss… But as things progressed, things got too complicated, the Australian guy moved to another part of Australia because he’s a helicopter rescue swimmer, and it became too much to handle. I’m summarizing everything because it’s a long story, but in the words of Selena Gomez, the heart wants what it wants.

Slowly, my Australian friends are flying off to different parts of the world, and the first one took off yesterday. I guess I’m just getting a taste of what it’s going to feel like saying goodbye and going home. It’s going to feel horrible.

That brings me into being homesick. Ever since I broke things off with the Australian guy, I started talking much closer with my exLDR.. Why? Well, he’s not in school anymore and had more time to talk, and I’m really having a hard time being away from home.. I figure talking to him would make me feel better but honestly I think it’s making me more homesick. It’s becoming warmer in Canada than it is in Australia, my parents have opened the cottage and are face timing me from there, and all my friends are back from university… My favourite season in Canada has rolled through and here I am freezing my ass off in Australia. Ya can’t win, can ya…

Overall, I’m trying my best to find time to write but I’m experiencing a massiv writers block and hardly even know what to write. I sit in front of my computer and just can’t think of a single thing to write about. If you have any ideas of things I should write about or have anything I could build off of, you can ask me questions at http://www.ayear4me.tumblr.com🙂