This World Has Gone Mad

Before the internet, a typical person would receive their news via newspaper or television, and they would be fed the negative news for the past few days, and be on with their life.. but now a days, with every corner of our lives being filled with news through social media, we’ve become swarmed by the negativity constantly.

It seems to be that every day something new has happened… Another young black man has been shot, a cop has been murdered, Trump says something futile, there’s been another terrorist attack, or another animal is going instinct. Every day we’re inundated with these horrible things going on all around the world. We see the gory videos and the threats to our wellbeing, you can only wonder what that’s doing to our overall outlook on our everyday lives.

I got to the point the other day where I was tempted to delete my Facebook because of how much negativity was plastered all over it. Bernie officially endorsed Hillary, 5 cops were shot out of hate, and more black men have been senselessly killed. The list is long in the way of how many things are going wrong all over the world, and I don’t see it getting any better any time soon.

I’ve stayed away from writing anything in regards to politics or the Black Lives Matter movement because I honestly do not consider myself nearly educated enough to voice a factually correct point of view. I’m worried of stepping on the sensitive toes out there and making myself look like an idiot, even though I have done a fair share of reading on the matter. My views which I store within my brain are some that I feel weary to share, due to the fact that there is so much room for error, and being a young white girl, I really don’t want to involve myself in other people’s issues if I can not give a fully cultivated response to.

My basic thoughts on the matter though is this: No one should die for the colour of their skin. No officers should’ve died because of the occupation they decided to pursue. No man should be treated differently because the agenda in your mind is that the white race still holds supremacy to people of colour. NO ONE, no matter your colour, age, gender, or status, should feel unsafe in their day to day. Fear is no way to live a life.

My two cents on the matter is this though:

Just because you have a phone in front of your face recording your run in with the cops does NOT MEAN you are above the law. If that officer asks you to get your hands up, or to lay on the ground, you do it. The place to fight that officer with your knowledge of the law (unless they are going against it) is in court. Your duty when you are pulled over is to obey the officer’s orders and not resist arrest. (DISCLAIMER: I have watched videos of black men being forcefully detained without any reason.. this is simply disgusting and a power trip on the officer’s part. BUT I have also watched many videos where if the person had willfully listened to the officers commands, they would possibly still be alive today.)

Know your laws and your rights, but don’t abuse them.  A lot of people seem to think that because the first amendment says you can say whatever you want, that means that saying “FUCK YOU” to a cops face is a fine thing to do.. but I can assure you right now, swearing and yelling at a cop is going to get you in a stickier situation than you were in before.. Cops are human beings, and many of them thrive on power (DISCLAIMER: not all cops) and will not like you any more if you decide to cuss up a storm at them. The best thing to do is to try to make the crappy situation you are already in, less crappy. Cooperate. Listen. Ask questions. Do whatever it takes to stay alive.

In the way of other issues going on in the world, there are many… The next President of the United States could be a reality TV star with a bad hairdo… People are dying from playing Pokemon Go and not looking where they’re walking… The glaciers are melting, the bees are going extinct, there’s a whole colony of people being raised to think that their religion is telling them to kill us, dogs apparently get anxiety when you hug them, Kylie Jenner makes more every day doing.. nothing.. while every day people bust their butts to make a 10th of her earnings, yearly. The world has become this insane soap opera and none of us seem to know if we’re going to come out of it alive.

The world seems to be going to hell in a handbasket, and a lot of the time I’ve started to feel hopeless.. Is this the world that I will one day be leaving my children, or will it be better or worse. We are the generation to create a better world to believe in. It all starts with us. Let’s do something about it.

 

 

 

 

I Just Don’t Know.

I’ve always been very indecisive. I would find interest in something then quickly get distracted with an activity more inviting. I would found myself unable to follow through with basic tasks and lose enthusiasm very quickly… I struggled greatly in school due to this as well as in the way of picking up new hobbies.

I find it frustrating, dealing with a multiple track mind, and have found it especially difficult when coming to terms with keeping up with a blog. I’ve always wanted to start a youtube channel, but I would never keep up with filming videos, editing them, then posting them. Watching other people follow through with their passions and hobbies makes me jealous because I have yet to follow through with any hobby of mine to a large degree…

I can say that going to Australia was something that I followed through with, but the length of stay was not. The reasons though for staying for 6 months rather than a year was due to many issues I was enduring living on my own and supporting myself financially. It got to the point where I was frustrated with my living situation, as well as coming to the point where I found I needed a break.. and when you find you need a break from the break you’re currently on, across the world, in Australia.. that’s when you know it’s time to go home.

Currently I’m sitting in bed at my cottage, overlooking a lake which hasn’t changed in the 19 years I’ve been looking at it, grateful for the choice I made to come home, but still questioning how things would have turned out if I had tackled Australia in a different way.. If I had saved better, obtained a job earlier, branched out more, and handled my day to day with more purpose. I have constant questions of how my trip could’ve turned out differently or better if I had followed through with the goals I had set. But I can not regret my time in Australia because I can never go back and change it.. all I can do is learn from it and put those things in action the next time I take a leap of faith and move across the world.

As I sit here, I’m trying to figure out what I want to do.. My gap year is basically officially done, but I still feel like I haven’t accomplished anything close to what I was planning on accomplishing. All I know is that staying in Sydney would not have been the right choice for me, and I needed to come home.. but now I’m stuck here itching to go back out travelling. So what am I going to do? Well, from where I am now, all I plan on doing is working as hard as I can to earn money, save money, and spend money on things that only really matter to me, like travelling. I really want to go out east to study yoga and meditation, to hopefully bring my crazy mind to a more controlled wavelength, and I really want to start working towards a career. I don’t have any commitments..  My whole life I’ve had the commitment of school creeping up on me each summer, but this summer is different because I have nothing planned once it ends. The only thing I’m committed to in the world is waking up each day, and being a good human being. Other than that, I don’t have anything else worth a worry. Except my future. And debt.

So here we have it, an indecisive girl, with hardly any motivation to get out of bed in the morning, looking to find her silver lining on a vacation cut short miles away from home, hoping to do something interesting with her life, because quite honestly, I’m getting fairly bored. This year for me didn’t turn out the way I thought it would, but it has definitely kickstarted the multiple years ahead of me.

Yes, I’m back!

When it comes to keeping up with consistency, I’m absolutely horrible at doing it. I’ve always been the kind of person who gets really excited to do something then completely ends up not following through. It’s one of those nasty habits that I wish I could get to go away, but obviously, my blog as proof, I have a lot of work to do.

I haven’t been writing the past month because I’ve been majorly busy- some days I wouldn’t pick up my computer once, and it would go on like that for a week at a time. But the biggest thing is the fact that I literally have no idea what to write about, and have been experiencing major writers block. I told myself that I would write on the 22 hour plane ride home, yet I didn’t end up doing it, and instead ended up trying not to kill the two elderly people sitting beside me with my hellish cold.

IMG_5818So yes! I am back in Toronto. and Yes! I plan on travelling again at the end of the summer; depending on if I’m able to land a job this summer that would make me enough money to travel back down under that is… But I’m starting to think of some other places I want to travel to, things I want to focus on, things I want to experience. But that’s for another post. Right now I’d prefer to talk about why I’m back, because that seems to be of interest to many who are thoroughly confused as to why I’m home half a year before I originally said I would.

Well? Simply putting it.. being an adult is hard. Paying bills and buying food is kind of a shocker when you have no financial support except whatever you’re able to conjure up within the week. Dealing with land lords who seem nice at first then end up being complete a-holes later is something I didn’t want to stress myself over. It was starting to get a lot colder in Sydney than it was in Toronto, and simply, I just really missed my dogs (and yes my family and friends too..) I needed to give myself a psychological break, and when it gets to that point when you’re already technically on a break.. a massive break across the world… that was a sign that I needed to come home and refresh.

So what am I doing this summer? I have absolutely no clue. I got home on the 15th and my long distance boyfriend flew in to Toronto on the 17th. He’s here IMG_5859until the end of the month, then I’ve got some time to myself, then I’m driving out to Massechussetts mid July. Once I get back from Mass, I’ll be getting a job and working ridiculously hard in order to fly myself back out of here. All I want to do this summer is rediscover Toronto in a different light and one that I’m happy to be in. I don’t want to leave Toronto with the same angst as I did last time, and I want to give myself more of a solid reason to come back.

I’m going to try to write more often because I do enjoy it.. I just need to find more time to dedicate to writing quality things. I’ve written so many drafts and have never posted them because I’m so blocked.. but it’s all a process; hopefully I’ll just start getting better at it.

 

Update

Wow, 17 days ago I wrote my last post and I can’t begin to explain how many things have changed within the past two weeks. In the past 2 weeks, I’ve landed a waitressing job, I’ve broken things off with a very attractive Australian guy because the heart is a weird thing, I’ve said goodbye to some of my Aussie friends who have gone travelling across the world, and I’ve become more homesick than ever.

So, to start off, the job. I got a job at a restaurant called Contrabando, which is in the business district of the city, and has many business men and women coming through. It’s ridiculously busy and I can’t feel my feet- well, I wish I couldn’t cause they really freakin hurt- by the end of the night. It’s fun and always moving, but I can’t help but think about the people making double the amount of me doing half the world I do. But, it is as it is, and you do what you can to pay the bills.

The second thing is something a little more complicated and heartbreaking. So, two months ago I met this guy and we became close friends, adventuring places together and spending 48 hours straight, just enjoying each other’s company. I started getting strong feelings for him, as he did with me, and things started changing. Now, if any of you know anything about me at all, you know hat I’ve been in a long distance relationship for now 2 years.. To clear things up, my LDR and I broke things officially off when I moved to Australia because we see this time as a time for us to grow individually.. The only problem is that we both are still in love with each other and are just dealing with being apart. So when I started spending more time with this new guy from Australia, things got complicated, but we didn’t talk about it because it wasn’t something to discuss… But as things progressed, things got too complicated, the Australian guy moved to another part of Australia because he’s a helicopter rescue swimmer, and it became too much to handle. I’m summarizing everything because it’s a long story, but in the words of Selena Gomez, the heart wants what it wants.

Slowly, my Australian friends are flying off to different parts of the world, and the first one took off yesterday. I guess I’m just getting a taste of what it’s going to feel like saying goodbye and going home. It’s going to feel horrible.

That brings me into being homesick. Ever since I broke things off with the Australian guy, I started talking much closer with my exLDR.. Why? Well, he’s not in school anymore and had more time to talk, and I’m really having a hard time being away from home.. I figure talking to him would make me feel better but honestly I think it’s making me more homesick. It’s becoming warmer in Canada than it is in Australia, my parents have opened the cottage and are face timing me from there, and all my friends are back from university… My favourite season in Canada has rolled through and here I am freezing my ass off in Australia. Ya can’t win, can ya…

Overall, I’m trying my best to find time to write but I’m experiencing a massiv writers block and hardly even know what to write. I sit in front of my computer and just can’t think of a single thing to write about. If you have any ideas of things I should write about or have anything I could build off of, you can ask me questions at http://www.ayear4me.tumblr.com:)

When You Write Anonymously

There’s a sense of entitlement when you’re sitting behind your computer screen and there’s no one around. You have the world at your fingertips, and as long as your face and name aren’t attached to it, you don’t have to take responsibility for anything you do. I learned this the hard way at the mere age of 12, when I was a victim to online bullying. Grade 6 was the worst year for it because we were all new to it and didn’t really realize the lengths some words could go, but I didn’t realize that it wasn’t just going to stop there… it never stopped.

Ask.fm and uGrowl are the two most recent anonymous question sites that have been swarmed by drama seeking high schoolers, thirsty for the big secrets and turmoil to be caused. I would be lying if I said that I never used these sites. I didn’t use uGrowl because that was when I was in grade 12 and had enough of that kind of negativity, and I just worked against it instead of with it, but Ask.fm was something I spent way too much time and energy on, and all it did was drain me.

When I made these accounts and started asking people to ask me questions, I was intrigued to hear what they were interested in knowing. I opened myself up like an open book and let them write all over me… but then they turned into statements, and accusations, and down right horrible things. I turned in to this target for everyone’s anger, and their outlet to build their egos up. They had the ability to shoot me down and trample all over me, without consequences, and without even having to leave their bedroom. No longer was it rude remarks in the hall, or mean notes being passed around.. it was full on attacks at who I was at a person, and they held nothing back because… why not? I mean, they didn’t have to show their face, there were no names, there was slim chance of them being called out.. they became invincible behind their screen, and they were giving no mercy.

When I was first introduced to the wonderful world of online bullying, I took everything straight to the heart, and I can’t say that I still don’t completely, but I’ve learned to recognize what really matters… not the bullies or what they were saying. Of course, when you see things written about you that are regarding the way you look, the way you act, your intellect, your lifestyle, your family, or any other personal traits, it’s hard not to take it personally. I definitely took many of the things that people said to me personally; but what I learned is that the people who are saying these things are people who don’t really matter. They’re the kinds of people who build themselves up on other people’s wreckage, and find amusement in pulling people apart. Those are the kind of people who you don’t want to associate yourself with, so why would you let them affect you so deeply?

One thing I think about a lot is in regards to the question: Why do we find being called beautiful so hard to believe, but if we’re told there is something wrong with us, we believe it instantly? It took me so long to realize that the people who called me beautiful and lifted me up were the people I wanted to believe, and the people I wanted my overall self to reflect on. I didn’t want to reflect my own self on the people who think I’m a piece of garbage, because then I’ll start thinking I’m an actual piece of garbage. As I type this, I can imagine someone writing to me anonymously on my ask page “you are a piece of garbage”… and yes, that would hurt because I wish everyone could see me as more of a human being rather than garbage; but I can’t let what one person thinks of me sway the way in which I think about myself.

It takes a long time to build self respect. At least for me, I had a hard time being able to be proud of who I was, and be happy with who I am. I’m still trying to bring out the best sides of me, and I’m working on myself every day, but there is no way that I will ever be able to make everyone like me. The world doesn’t work that way. There are simply too many people, too many misconstrued ideas of who I am, there are too many broken lines between people who think that they know me, and yes they’re going to take it out on me, in the safety of their bedroom, behind their computer screen, and they are going to write mean things about me. And they will write horrible and mean things about you, but the best thing to do is to check in with yourself and say “Is this who I am, or is this who this person thinks I am?”

No matter who you become, where you go, or where you’ve been, there will always be people out there who want to tear you down to the very core and make you feel like your insides are screaming… there will always be people who don’t believe in you, and people who want to see you miserable, but the last thing you can do is let them win. Bullying, be in person or online, is never justifiable or welcome, but it happens. We need to work together on promoting positivity and acceptance of everyone, no matter what you think of them.. What YOU think of someone else doesn’t matter. If it is not going to raise that person up, and benefit that person, don’t say anything. If you wouldn’t want someone saying what you’re about to say, to you, don’t say anything. If you wouldn’t want someone saying what you’re about to say, to your mom, or your sister, or your best friend.. don’t say anything.

So, to the people who write me mean things, who insult me in every creative way possible.. I don’t need that in my life. I don’t need the negativity, the hate, or the abuse. Especially now with me living in Australia, I can’t begin to tell you how much I have changed from the person I was back home.. So basically everything you base who I am on, and who you think I am on, is probably misinformed, and just wrong, as well as not who I am anymore. Unless you have talked to me within the last month, you have no idea of who I am! You know who I was a year ago, and even then, I can’t say that you knew me unless you’re 1 of the 4 close friends I had back home. You know who I am through a broken telephone with your friends. If you want to judge me, if you want to put me down, at least get your information and facts right first. I don’t fuel fires anymore, I put them out.. So if you’re looking for any kind of backlash from whatever you decide to anonymously write to me.. you’re not going to get it. I have better things to do, I have better morals to live up to.. I hope you have them too.

Games

Ever since we were little, starting in the playground of our elementary school, we were constantly playing games. From tag, to grounders, to soccer, and other entertaining and fast paced games, we were always playing games. What seemed to be innocent and just good fun seems to have carried with us but in other forms, and unfortunately one game we used to play seems to have carried on with us into adulthood.

“That means he likes you” she said, as I picked myself off the ground and dusted my knees. “I swear, I think he likes you!”. So sure we were, that the “fun” push I just received from a little boy my age was a sign of affection and interest. Little did I know that as the years dragged on, these signs of affection and interest would grow into serious matters, and not necessarily be physically based.

It takes a while to notice these games, and a lot of the time they go unnoticed. They’re perceived as acts of endearment or flirting, and not always are they physical, but they can be emotional and mental games being played.

For a long time, I played these games with my boyfriend of a year and a half.. Not physically or emotionally abusive, but games to get him going and cause drama. I didn’t realize what I was doing, but I was playing games, and I’m lucky that it didn’t completely ruin my relationship with him. What do I mean by games? Well, things such as not replying as soon as I saw his message because he took a long time to reply, so I was going to take a long time to reply. Not writing exactly what I felt because I wanted him to figure it out for himself. Using the word “fine” instead of being more descriptive. Things like that. I didn’t realize how toxic these things were until it got to the point where I finally realized what I was doing because I was so close to losing him for good.

I see a lot of girls my age doing this. For example, today, my friend was facetiming a friend back home and she was going through some issues with her boyfriend. They hadn’t talked in a few days and they were starting things up again, so she didn’t want to make it seem like she was too excited to be talking to him, or like she wasn’t happy without him, so she started playing games. She waited to reply to him 20 minutes later, despite the fact that she could’ve responded right away.. she carefully articulated what she was going to say so he didn’t think she was lonely without him or that she was swayed negatively by his recent actions. The games she was throwing at him were all games that I’ve thrown at people before and I couldn’t help but shake my head because they do the absolute opposite of what you want them to do.

First of all, most guys don’t even notice/care if you don’t reply right away. If they just disappeared for 5 minutes, they won’t notice if you take an extra few minutes to reply. They’ll assume that you’re busy and move on with whatever they’re doing. They don’t know what you’re doing. You could be using the bathroom, or talking to your parents, or on the phone with your friend… Guys just don’t think as in depth as girls do, so waiting the same amount of time as it took him to reply is most likely not going to make as big of an impact as you would prefer, and you’re just building up your anxiety within the time you’re spending playing this game.

Second of all, by playing games, you’re just asking for drama, and drama is never fun. I have yet to meet a guy who is looking to get into drama with you, and if they are, than they’re 100% not worth hanging out with. By using one word replies and being vague about what you’re talking about, you’re only being dramatic and fishing for issues. The best way to keep a healthy relationship going, is to be completely honest about how you’re feeling. Instead of saying “I’m fine” or “idc” or “whatever”, you’re just making everything so much more negative and miserable. For the longest time, I would do this, and of course, he would ask me what was wrong. and I’d basically use those 3 sayings in quotations on repeat. I don’t know where I thought I would get with them, but I knew that it would piss him off, so I did.. and in the long run, it just reflected really horribly on who I was and how I affected the relationship.

When dealing with other people, especially people we want to keep around in our lives, the best route to take when you’re upset or mad at them, is to be completely honest. By dragging things out, you’re only hurting yourself more because the other person may not be aware of their actions or know that you are feeling the way you’re feeling. No one likes to be upset, and no one likes anyone being upset at them. Just think about if you were in their position.. Would you want to stick around with someone who was constantly saying “I’m fine” or “whatever” or using discreet words constantly, as a mask for how they were really feeling? The best thing to do with anyone, doesn’t matter who it is, is to be honest. And yes, sometimes that can be really difficult, and no, it’s not as fun as causing some drama and tension to get the blood flowing, but it’s not worth it and in the long run will do more damage than good.

I learned this the really hard way when I was constantly acting out towards my ex-boyfriend like this. I was always throwing out these short sentences or words at him so that he could feel how I was feeling, or realize that I wasn’t in a good mood. I tried making him feel bad by not replying or by throwing around the word “fine” a lot. The word “fine” is not a fine word to use. Don’t Use It. No one is just fine. Open up a thesaurus and choose another word because fine is never an ok word to use. It’s universally known as not the word to use so don’t use it. Unless you want to start drama with someone who means something to you, stay away from it and use something else, or tell them how you’re feeling.

It took me a lot to finally realize the games I was playing and to stop in order to avoid losing a very important person in my life. It took a lot to say “hey this isn’t working, and this is tearing us apart, maybe I should take a different approach to this and try again.” In the long run, it made me a happier person, as well as my ex, because we became more open with how we were feeling and what was going on in our relationship.

So stop with the games, reply to his text when you get it (but don’t make it seem like you’ve been waiting on the text because that’s a little much…), tell him how you really feel, express how you’re feeling, and DON’T USE THE WORD FINE.

 

A New Start

For some of you, you may know that for the past month, I was stuck in a dirty ol’ apartment, with a beautiful view, and a horrible roommate. Well.. she wasn’t horrible, but her lack of cleanliness and her friends were horrible. Well, I’m happy to say that I am now out of that situation and on to better things.

Two nights ago, Lotte and I quickly packed our bags and slipped out of the apartment while our roommate was in the shower; avoiding the awkward confrontation that would’ve come from seeing her on the way out, due to prior circumstances which occurred the night before. We headed from North Bondi to South Bondi and moved in to our new place, with an even better view. No more dirty floors and unkept garbage cans.. hazardous balconies or obnoxious cocaine addicts bothering us anymore. It’s so nice.

This new place really symbolizes a new start for me because I honestly think I’m starting to come into my own. Not like what happens to guys when their balls drop, but I’m starting to realize who I want to be and what I have to do to achieve those things. In a way, this new place and this new room, I can start fresh and start building good habits that will last in the long term. I’m no longer in a shitty position and I can actually breathe, so that means that it’s time to take advantage of it and start doing the things I’ve been procrastinating on for the past 4 months. I’VE BEEN IN AUSTRALIA FOR 4 MONTHS NOW, THAT’S KIND OF SCARY NO? HOW IS IT ALREADY MAY? WASN’T MY BIRTHDAY LAST WEEK? WHAT. 

To make this short because I’m really in the mood to start on a new post that’s more interesting, I just want to make it clear to the people who expressed concern for my well being, I’m no longer in that awful position I was in in my last apartment, and I doubt I’ll ever see those people again.

Hope everyone is having a fine April day, and hope everyone back home is enjoying the warmer weather:)